I am so blessed to be Meagan's mommy. I think this has been meant to be for a long time.
Last Fall I remember feeling funny - Maura was still nursing, so I had no "typical" signs of being pregnant, but I just had a feeling. I took a test and sure enough, positive! I was so excited - I didn't really have an exact number as to how far along I was because of the nursing, but, I had a good idea. I had very low progesterone with my previous pregnancy, so, I decided to call my doctor. She said to come right in so they could draw my blood and check. They dated the pregnancy - I was due in early June 2011!
I remember a few days later getting the results - my Beta numbers (pregnancy horomone) was fine.. but my progesterone number was abysmal. I was immediately scared and worried. She put me on progesterone supplements right away - but my blood draw two days later told me all I needed to know. My progesterone had not recovered - and now my Beta numbers were dropping. I was going to lose this pregnancy.
I started to think - "How can this be happening?" I had 3 great, fairly "uneventful" pregnancies ... and this was all new territory for me. The worst part was the waiting - just knowing it was going to happen, and then waiting for the inevitable. Knowing I'd never meet the life inside of me - not in this world. It was such a hard week.
Being a musician, one of my "outlets" has always been music. Stressful times, sad times, disappointing times... they were always made better by me practicing and putting my emotions into that music. Ironically, that next weekend, I had our Fall concert with the Symphony ... all I could think about is "Oh no.. what if I start to miscarry that weekend?? What will I do?"
Sure enough, the Saturday of our concert, October 15, 2011, I started to bleed. I didn't know what I was going to do, or how I would get through it. I remember being at rehearsal - seeing all the smiling faces of my fellow musicians... hearing them laugh/joke around because it had been a while since we'd all seen each other. And all I could think about was my baby leaving me. It was the hardest weekend I've ever had. I had to sit there and play - and no one knew what was going on. I was not up for saying anything - it was all so raw. Being pregnant, whether surprised or not, is natural. It's what women are built for. Having the baby and not being pregnant anymore is also natural. But being pregnant, knowing my baby was inside, and then knowing my body was shedding it - was just devastating.
On top of everything, Maura suddenly stopped nursing that weekend as well. She would still nurse about 4 times a day... and in the previous days I had loved it even more. It brought me comfort in such a sad time. But suddenly, when I actually started to lose the baby, she would start to eat and then immediately pull away screaming.. or make faces like she didn't like it anymore. My only guess was that the sudden change of horomones had also changed my milk and she didn't care for it. So the same weekend I lost the baby, Maura also quit nursing. It was a low blow emotionally.