Enter: Large Brick Wall

We didn't spend as long of a day with Meagan as we normally do.  I had an apopintment this morning to get my staples out so by the time we got to Children's it was almost lunch time.  The first thing I asked about were her blood gases - she had passed but only by .6 the afternoon before - and they had retested her in the early morning hours.  The nurse told me she passed again, but, barely.  I was a bit worried that she'd have to go back on the ventilator, but, sure enough, her next test, while still borderline, did show improvement... and that's what we were looking for.
Meagan was holding her body temp pretty well today.  She also had a feeding early this morning- most of which she spit up.  The nurse decided to slow down her pump so the milk would feed into her over 2 hours intead of 1 hour - and sure enough, she tolerated that just fine.  She ended up having about 3 more feedings during the day - she did have some minimal spit up/bubbles, but overall, she kept most of her food down.  
That said, the nurse did have to pull out quite a bit of residual food from Meagan's stomach a little while after each feed that she did not end up digesting successfully.  So we'll see how she does tomorrow with eating.   

She is still struggling to pee.  They took the foley catheter out this morning to give her a chance to go today - she had the feedings, etc... and by tonight when we left, there still was not pee in her diaper.  I'm hoping that they will call down the urologist at some point to look at her - I think they are going to re-cath her tonight to empty her out to reduce risk of infection unless she starts going on her own before that. Then, we'll re-examine the issue tomorrow and go from there..  So ya know... a day of ups and downs.

This certainly doesn't help the emotional aspect of things.  I think that tonight I have officially hit my brick wall.  From the moment I leave the hospital, to the moment I step back in the NICU, the ONLY thing I think about is Meagan.  I realize I have 4 other kids at home, a house to care for, and a certain sense of "normalcy" to return to ... but ... it is clear to me at this point in our journey that Meagan and I need each other more than the circumstances allow.  I love all my children equally - but she is the one who needs me right now -- she is uncomfortable, in pain, and going through a traumatic process that would even shake grown adults ... and it kills me that I cannot be there 24/7 with her. 
The kids will be fine - they will understand why Meagan needed me at this time and in hindsight, this period of time will be extremely short when they look back at the days mommy was away . They will understand.  Even so, I'm so tempted to go back after the nurses night shift change, and continue my time with Meagan instead of just during the day -- just to lounge/sleep in the recliner that is in Meagan's pod.  Just to be near her .... be able to touch her when I want to... and snuggle her.  Other people need the break - they need to be home to do things around the house, or be involved in their other children's activities.  They need to 'recharge.'  Well, anyone who knows me knows that is NOT me.  My "recharging" would be to stay with Meagan.  My recharging would come directly from doing whatever I have to do to feel comfortable and feel like I'm being there for her. 
In a lot of ways, having had 4 other children does not help the situation because I know EXACTLY what I'm missing these first weeks.  This is the time when we're supposed to snuggle our babies the most - those first few weeks they are so cuddly and so warm. We carry them everywhere with us .. even in the house.  We sit and stare at them at 3am.. even though we should be sleeping.  We change their diapers, work on nursing patterns with them... "ooo and aww" over every little thing they may do..  We just hold them and hold them and hold them.  
 I know the situation is such that Meagan needs to be where she is ... that she is getting the best possible care when I"m not there... but.. I can still need to be with her all the time. I can still miss her. And I do. Every second of the night.