Tomorrow is Meagan's surgery. While I'm not a "big" worrier, I am very anxious. Yes, of course about the risks and dangers of the surgery. But I have digested that, researched it, and come to peace with it because this is a necessary procedure.
What I am referring to is something that many may not relate to. Meagan will also be physically changing tomorrow. Some of her little physical things and attributes I have so enjoyed this year as part of her, will no longer be there tomorrow. If this surgery weren't necessary for Meagan's brain health, I would never have it done for her. If there was no pressure or threat of brain restriction by leaving her head alone, I would leave it alone.
See, it may sound crazy to some, but I love Meagan's head. I absolutely love her head. I love every ridge. I love every overlap. I love every crooked, bumpy, and "imperfect" part. I love how every line on her skull tells a story. Every ridge is a battle scar. And every bump shapes exactly who Meagan has been this past year, and what she has been through to this point.
That said, there is a tinge of sadness in me tonight. Because after tomorrow, those lovely ridges, bumps, and lines will no longer be there. Those lines and bumps that told Meagan's story for a year. That guided me in knowing what she liked and disliked.
I know physical attributes don't make up who Meagan truly is. But, they are what we remember when we know people. They are what we study, rub, and caress when we hold our babies, or rock them to sleep at night. And for Meagan, her ridges are what has defined her physical being to this point, and are part of her appearance that I truly have loved and cherished. They are outward signs that have let me learn about Meagan, and learn about her journey.
So after surgery will be a new learning curve for me....getting used to her "new head." I will learn new places she is ticklish, new places that make for good head rubs, new places to soothe her to sleep, and new places she doesn't like to be touched, all without her "road-map" of bones and bumps to guide me. A lot of little things will be changing tomorrow. And they are truly little things. What is important is that Meagan is healthy, and comes through surgery safely. What is important is that we allow more room for her brain to have the chance to grow. But at the same time, little things to some, signify a big change to someone else. And this is one of those moments.
Will I miss those beautiful ridges in Meagan's head? You bet I will!! So tonight I plan on cuddling her tightly and running my hands through her thick curly hair, being interrupted by those bones and bumps, and cherishing how her head feels one last night. And in the end, I do know Meagan will still be Meagan. My sweet, cuddly, beautiful baby. And no surgery can ever change that.