Hope

Hope is such an overused word.  We hear it constantly in big contexts, small quotes, and even thrown around without much meaning.  But I think we need to take the word back.  It is such a powerful word that encompasses such a powerful notion - that yearning and seeking for better - the faith that things will in fact improve - that anticipation that something great will happen even if it seems impossible.

We had an unfortunate incident occur last week regarding handicap access for Meagan.  It is not resolved as of yet, so I am foregoing details for now - but I can tell you that because of the circumstances, it was the first time I really felt hopeless in this journey as Meagan's mom.  I am normally such a "pitbull" when we have faced any sort of adversity with Meagan, but this particular day, it blindsided me so much, and hit me straight in the emotional gut with such force, that for a moment, I felt defeated and couldn't fight back as I normally do. I'm hopeful for a positive resolution, but in the meantime, I was feeling pretty down.

Ironically, as the week has gone on, my mood has lifted.  I have seen some amazing things happen with Meagan that have come out of nowhere. First, a few days ago, she pushed herself to sit up. All on her own! She had never done this before! She was laying there playing as she usually does, and then just pushed up on her arms.  Typically she will stay in this position (we like to think she would be a "boat" champion in Yoga!) and then would collapse back onto the ground.  Not this time.  As she held her position, she moved her arms up a little bit and kept pushing.. and bam - she was sitting straight up. All on her own. Just beaming with pride as she clapped and said "yay!"  Meagan has been trying to sit up every day since then - some days she gets up on her own...others I can tell she is really fatigued and she tries and then just lays down and plays happily on her back.  However her PT said she may change Meagan's status to "independent sitter" on her report if she keeps improving!  This is a huge change for her - I'm so excited to see the new ways she will be able to play and enjoy her toys now. I'm also hopeful this newfound skill will help propel her into the next stage of gaining new motor skills or at least becoming a much stronger sitter.

Another thing that has really changed this week is her sense of humor.  Meagan has always been a little ham, but lately she is really belly laughing about a lot more, so I suppose "change" isn't the right word as much as I have seen it grow immensely.   I have never heard her laugh as hard or purposeful as I have heard her this week.  One day, Reilly was being silly with her sisters, jumping around the room like a frog.  Meagan saw her and thought it was the funniest thing she had ever seen. She let out the biggest belly laugh ever! Then she would squeal with excitement as she anticipated Reilly jumping again, so Reilly continued to jump and Meagan continued to hysterically laugh.  I grabbed my phone and recorded some of it.  The squeals of happiness and the joy Meagan obviously felt made me hopeful this part of her personality will continue to grow.

The other big growth we have seen in the last few days is Meagan's speech.  She has loved copying, trying to imitate and watching us speak for a few months now - but up until this point she had her babbling and noises...but her few words she would repeat were literally copying what I or one of the girls had said (including her favorite, "awesome".. or "aweshum" as she says...).  Over the last few days this has changed.   She is starting to actually say something unprompted. Meagan will now "talk"  random words to the girls - almost as a way to get attention, and totally of her own accord.  It has been amazing to watch this because now I am hopeful she is at the very beginning of being able to tell us something on her own. Maybe this means as this progresses she will actually be able to tell me what hurts, or tell me if she needs something since she is starting to form her own thoughts, or at least starting to be able to articulate them.  The sweetest occurence was yesterday when Meagan looked at me and said "Mommy"....so I went to pick her up.  As she laid her head on me, she patted my back over and over and said "Mommy... Mommy." Chills. There is really no other word to describe it. 

 Despite the incident last week that left me emotionally drained and disheartened, God, once again, has been able to bring me back through our little girl.  Through Meagan's changes this week He has reminded me that although we may have emotionally tough times, although we may come up against walls we did not foresee, there is always hope. And Meagan's sisters remind me of this too.  They had a lot of questions about what happened last week - as they should.  They do not quite understand the same way I do, and it really impacted their view of being Meagan's sisters.  But, just as they have  in the past, they have bounced right back and have proven to be, yet again, the best advocates and teachers for their baby sister.  It also warmed my heart - knowing that times I can't be there, or far in the future, I am positive Meagan will always, always be taken care of.  Her sisters will always be there to guide her through those walls with solid strength and God's grace. You just can't mess with a kid who has four big guardians by her side. :)

     

As we approach the last Sunday of Advent, the season of hope, Meagan reminds us everyday not to lose that anticipation of what she can do next.  That, I think is the best part of hope - it is never-ending.  There is no last chapter, no finality.  It is an ongoing desire of expectation - a trust, if you will, that things will get better...always.  That circumstances will continue to improve. That new adventures are on the horizon, even if not seen quite yet.