Face of hope

Face of hope
Courtesy: TIffany Kay Photography

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Mommies and babies and kids. Oh my.

I'm finally almost finished going through all the girls old clothing.  We just had so much ... after 4 girls, things add up between original clothes we had, hand-me-downs, gifts from relatives and friends, etc...  I figured it was time to downsize.. in a BIG way.  I started to go through all the clothing - bagging it by size and detailing what was in each bag..prepping it to sell online. And then bagged clothes for each age for Meagan to use.  I also set aside a storage bag with certain clothing items I want to keep for my girls when they get older - a special dress, or meaningful outfit given by grandparents that they all wore..etc..

I had lots of jammies in the Newborn size, but, also quite a few VERY cute outfits I had used with my other girls.  Unfortunately, these outfits were pants with tops.. and the tops were not stretchy. At. all.  So, many of these went into the sell pile until I know more once Meagan is born.  Even if her head size isn't "that" much bigger than normal, I will personally just feel uncomfortable pulling these tops over her head, especially after surgery.  They aren't stretchy at all, so, why keep them. 

I had put Maura down for a nap so she could rest.. and not undo everything I accomplished.  The older three girls were playing nicely together...so I took advantage and decided it was a good day for clothes sorting/decluttering.  After a while, it got so quiet, I had to check on the older three.  Most of the time, quiet in this house is equivilant to 1 or more children up to no good.. unless it's 3am and everyone is asleep.  I peeked downstairs, and I saw a TON of toys gathered at the bottom of the steps.  So I decided further investigation was needed.  As I came down to the main level, I realized that every room of our house had been taken over, quite obviously, by dolls, doll clothing, strollers, stuffed animals, and other toy items.  I saw the girls sitting with their babydolls on the couch and asked what they were doing... they said they were playing "mommies, babies and kids."  They did ask me to play with them.. when I asked what I should be, they answered "The mom." Go figure.   The girls continued playing and were feeding and changing their babydolls...they were taking them to ballet and to friends' houses for playdates... they had built their own "houses" around my whole downstairs where they each lived ... they were having a complete ball just being in "imaginary land" and playing together....and destroying my house.

I'm a pretty tough girl.  I don't take much of anything from anyone... I pretty much know what I want in life.. and I get it.  I have no patience for irresponsibility, laziness...well, for much of anything for that matter.  And so when Meagan first got diagnosed with Hydrocephalus, I took it much like any other news in my life - sure, I had tears drop at that diagnostic ultrasound..but.. then...that was it.  It was on to plan and attack mode and back to tough old me.  The thing about being tough in this kind of situation, is that in reality, it is a big mask for worry and fear about the unknown.  I am extremely worried about Meagan.  With each scan, seeing that remaining brain tissue shrink and the fluid grow, really gets to me.  I wonder how she will be when she's born.  I am paranoid that she won't make it to that point -- the poor kid probably never sleeps because if there is no movement for even a few minutes, I'm eating something sugary, or poking and prodding at her to get her to kick me.  Every cramp, twinge, or contraction makes me stop everything I'm doing and make sure she's still ok.  Every scary dream I may have at night makes my thoughts swirl the next day and wonder if there was any truth to it.. or if it was just a culmination of my fears for her. 

Don't get me wrong -- I am open to whatever Meagan will be.  She has a purpose and a plan...and someday we will know what that purpose is.  However, the waiting and the waiting and the waiting is just torturous!  Will I love and accept her no matter what? Of course.   Do I still worry about what that existence will be? Of course. We all yearn as parents for our children to be able to experience things the way we would want them to, or the way we "picture" them experiencing life.  This diagnosis changes that.  I have to be open to what her experiences will be and how she needs to accomplish that.  In this case, it is out of my control and I hope I am strong enough to help her along whatever path is meant to be.

So while I was extremely happy today, seeing my older girls play so nicely together for several hours.. [helping each other, laughing and tickling each other, asking each other questions and playing imaginary games together] so I could get a lot accomplished .... It also brought a sense of sadness over me because my first thoughts went to "Will Meagan ever do this with them?  Will she play dolls? Will she laugh? Will she have a wild imagination? Will she fight with her sisters, hug them, kiss them, love them? Will she one day be sitting with them playing 'mommies, babies and kids'?"

And such is the ultimate irony of a Hydrocephalus diagnosis. This diagnosis does not provide closure... it only provides the unknown.

Meagan - I hope you are doing ok in there. I keep looking over and over at your 4D picture.. it is amazing! You have Maura's nose and lips and you resemble your older sisters in your eyes.  You are so extremely beautiful.  I feel you move, kick, jab me in the sides. You get angry when I rest a cold drink or my phone on my stomach.  You seem to know when the ultrasound tech wants to get that cute face picture because right when she wants to snap it, you suddenly pull yourself back into the darkness.  I hope one day you are sitting there, making me crazy by cluttering my downstairs with a complete disaster of dolls and strollers... I hope one day you are telling me about some silly imaginary game you are playing with your sisters ... I hope one day you are playing 'mommies, babies and kids' by being just that - an active part of our everyday lives.


  1. Molly-

    You have such incredible strength. I admire and think of you always. Please know that you are in my prayers daily. Love ya! Pree

  2. She loves you too already and I am betting she'll be playing dolls with her sisters in no time :) Lots of love and prayers for you!!