The timing of her question struck me. Tomorrow, June 7th, was the due date of the baby we miscarried. I've often thought about that baby, especially around this date or the date of the loss. Sometimes, it almost seems surreal. I know I was pregnant. I still have my positive tests. I still have my blood test results from the doctor. I felt the nausea. I felt the dizziness. I felt that 'full' feeling. I felt the fatigue. But when a child is lost in pregnancy, especially the first 10 weeks, sometimes it is easy to feel like we can't celebrate that child because the child never actually came into our arms. I think this is something those of us who have been through miscarriage definitely have to change. Every pregnancy, every child, every time a new life is formed, no matter how short or long that life is with us, it is a life. And it is certainly worth celebrating. And worth remembering. Just because a baby doesn't make it to our arms, doesn't mean we weren't that child's mother. And it is important we as mothers acknowledge even the tiniest of lives.
And so tomorrow will go on as any other day. Meagan will have therapy. I will take care of my girls. I will do laundry. I will make dinner. I will enjoy time with Brian. But I will remember that baby throughout every action because that baby was part of me. It was my creation with Brian through God....our DNA, our hearts and souls.
So now I can certainly answer Reilly's question with the only truth I know. Meagan does have a buddy. Her big brother has been there every step of the way ... and will continue to watch over her with love. In keeping with my promise to look for the positive, now on baby Jack's 2nd birthday, I can truly say God gave me that pregnancy for an important reason. With that pregnancy, I had worry, I had sadness, I had anxiety, I had discomfort, I had pain, I had grief, and I had anger. But by having to work through all of those emotions and the physical pain, God gave me gifts. The gift of strength. The gift of helping me prepare for an unknown path. And ultimately, the gift of a special Guardian Angel for our sweet girl, Meagan.
Angel baby, we will never stop remembering you, and will never cease to rejoice in thankfulness for God's gift of your life. I know you are here with us everyday, by Meagan's side. I wrote you a speical poem a while ago as a rememberance....and I feel ready to share it. Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Jack. Thanks for being Meagan's buddy. Until we meet again ...