Buddy System

My girls have this "game" they play sometimes where they talk about being each other's buddy.  It switches daily... some days the older 2 pair up. Other days, it's a mix of ages that choose to be "buddies." They probably got this idea because when we go out and run errands, I do encourage them to have a "buddy" with one of their sisters so we can all help look out for each other.  Reilly asked me today "Mom, what about Meagan? She never has a buddy."


The timing of her question struck me.  Tomorrow, June 7th, was the due date of the baby we miscarried.  I've often thought about that baby, especially around this date or the date of the loss.  Sometimes, it almost seems surreal.  I know I was pregnant.  I still have my positive tests.  I still have my blood test results from the doctor.  I felt the nausea.  I felt the dizziness.  I felt that 'full' feeling. I felt the fatigue.  But when a child is lost in pregnancy, especially the first 10 weeks,  sometimes it is easy to feel like we can't celebrate that child because the child never actually came into our arms.  I think this is something those of us who have been through miscarriage definitely have to change.  Every pregnancy, every child, every time a new life is formed, no matter how short or long that life is with us, it is a life.  And it is certainly worth celebrating. And worth remembering. Just because a baby doesn't make it to our arms, doesn't mean we weren't that child's mother. And it is important we as mothers acknowledge even the tiniest of lives.

And so tomorrow will go on as any other day. Meagan will have therapy.  I will take care of my girls.  I will do laundry.  I will make dinner.  I will enjoy time with Brian.   But I will remember that baby throughout every action because that baby was part of me.  It was my creation with Brian through God....our DNA, our hearts and souls. 

So now I can certainly answer Reilly's question with the only truth I know.  Meagan does have a buddy.  Her big brother has been there every step of the way ... and will continue to watch over her with love.  In keeping with my promise to look for the positive, now on baby Jack's 2nd birthday, I can truly say God gave me that pregnancy for an important reason.  With that pregnancy, I had worry, I had sadness, I had anxiety, I had discomfort, I had pain,  I had grief, and I had anger.  But by having to work through all of those emotions and the physical pain, God gave me gifts. The gift of strength. The gift of helping me prepare for an unknown path.  And ultimately, the gift of a special Guardian Angel for our sweet girl, Meagan. 

Angel baby, we will never stop remembering you, and will never cease to rejoice in thankfulness for God's gift of your life.  I know you are here with us everyday, by Meagan's side.  I wrote you a speical poem a while ago as a rememberance....and I feel ready to share it.  Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Jack.  Thanks for being Meagan's buddy. Until we meet again ...


.

I couldn't wait to meet you

to feel your hand in mine.

I couldn't wait to hold you

and sing to you at night.

I imagined you looked precious

Your eyes and your tiny lips

I knew seeing what God created

Could bring me so much bliss

But sometimes plans don't always work out

And things changed for us one night

I knew what was happening but I wanted to doubt

And my soul was filled with fright

How would I live without you near

This wasn't the end I'd planned

I'd wanted to see those eyes those lips

Hold your little hand

God took you before we could do those things

We didn't have any time

You were made to be an Angel with Him

Even though you started out mine.

There's not a day that passes by

Where I don't think "What if"

What if you were here with us

My little special gift

But I know that God has plans for us

Including our babies small

And your plan was to be with Him

And look out for us all

I know life has gone on for me

And things will be ok

And I know that you look down on me

And we will meet one day

  

We may have only had a short amount

Of physical time together

But you're my baby, and I'm your mom

And that's the truth forever

I will do my best to honor you

With how I live each day

And one day a long time from now

You will get to run my way

I will pick you up and snuggle you

And give you a sweet little kiss

I'll hold your hands and look at you

Your eyes and tiny lips

But for now sweet dear, enjoy the light

Snuggle up in Mary's arms

Let her rock and sing to you

And shelter you from harm

For in her care, you can't go wrong

She will love you too

For, you see, though I'm your mom

She is your mother too.

Although we had no time to sing

Or rock at night to sleep

I thank the Lord every day

You are in my heart to keep.