What a Year

Here we are.  Hours from the end of 2011.  I was thinking back on my state of being this time last year - we had been through the miscarriage in the Fall....and we were trying again to get pregnant.  Little did I know, I'd get a positive test the next month in the early weeks of 2011....and our lives would forever change.

We have been through quite a lot this year....and it is quite obvious at the one event that dominates most of our 2011...Meagan's birth.    I could lament on the weeks surrounding Meagan's diagnosis of severe Hydrocephalus... I could dwell on all the negative emotions I felt and overwhelming feelings I had.  I could certainly talk more about the incredible hardships of the delivery, and the weeks that Meagan was away from us in the NICU..... and there is no doubt these last months of 2011 have been quite trying with her medical issues and new problems like seizures.  I could almost write a whole book on financial struggles, and how many "zeros" we are in debt. But... I won't. 

One of my New Years resolutions is to be more positive.  And I'm going to start now. It doesn't mean that I can't have a bad day every now and then -- I will allow myself some slack .... but I certainly will try to be more positive overall, and not always dwell on the negative things that happen to our family.  I've always known my family is the most important thing in my life .... but I"ve realized this year .. through all the negativity ... we have only gained a big positive - we are that much stronger... that much tougher... and that much more loving as a family. So why give any heed to the negatives that tried to pull at those bonds.

I would like, instead, to sum up the year in one word: gratitude.  Through all the ups and downs, through all the hardships, I am SO incredibly grateful for 2011.  It might sound crazy .... but it's the truth.  Matter of fact, it's about as honest as I can be.

If it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have never conceived Meagan.  If it weren't for conceiving Meagan, I would never know how strong we were as a family.  If it weren't for going through her hardships, I would never realize how loving my family can be.  If it weren't for her setbacks, I wouldn't realize how blessed I am to be her mother. If it weren't for this special child, I would never know how truly giving and loving my 4 older girls are from the very fiber of their soul.  And without any of this, I wouldn't realize how God truly is present in my life. Everyday.  Every second.

I am so thankful that 2011 happened to me.  I was entrusted with.. not "given"... but entrusted with... one of the most special gifts I think God could have given me - a special child.  One who needed parents who said "Yes" no matter what they were told... parents who would truly offer unconditional love to her. One who was meant to have 4 older, loving sisters who will always be there by her side.   Everytime I look at Meagan, I thank God she is with me. I think how many lives she has already touched....and how many she will touch.... and say "Thank you Lord."  It is incredibly scary to think she may have not made it to her birthday if she had been in another family - and I thank God everyday for trusting that we would see the greater plan through all the pain....and with open arms, accept Meagan into our lives.

2011 was also a big year for our faith.  With everything that we were handed, it would have been very easy to be angry with God.  And to be bluntly honest, there have been times I have asked "why?"  But the answer I always hear is "Because I know you can do it."  My relationship with God personally... and our relationship with God as a family is so much stronger because 2011 happened to us.  It would have been easy to walk away - to blame God and slowly drift away from our faith.  And one thing I learned for certain was that ... you know what? I do not understand.  I don't understand why we were given Meagan... I don't understand why Meagan is made to suffer as she does .... I don't understand why we are left with such an uncertain future.  And this lack of understanding is exactly why I also have come to know that the only way to sift through all of this is to turn closer to God.  Grab on to our faith.  Trust that He has a plan for us, and for her.  And know that by coming closer to Him, the journey, which seems impossible at times, can absolutely be successfully navigated. 

So, in my new goal of positivity, I will gladly say THANK YOU.  Thank you 2011 for blessing us with all your ups and downs....all the hardships....all the doubts.  It is through this trying year that we have grown the most as a family.  It is through this trying year that we have grown most in our Catholic faith.  It is through this trying year that we have the strength to look forward to 2012, and say "Yes" once again... to whatever lies ahead. And those are the things that matter. 


Happy New Year to all.....and remember....we are given....yes.. given....tough times.  These challenges are a gift so we may shine even brighter when we emerge on the other side victorious, with those we love by our side.